We've all felt the constant pressure to be well-liked, to give people what they want, and to conform to how we feel people think we should be. That's been a lot of my life. Always feeling too odd, too loud, too opinionated, too everything that kept me from being that 'it girl'. Constantly worrying that I will get found out for who I really am, and being really good at hiding myself so that people don't think I'm some weird person.
Spoiler alert, this translated into my business too.
How we started
When I first started Hyacinth, I had full intentions to be 100% me, allow myself to design how I wanted, market how I wanted, and not hide behind anything. To be so clear on why I design and why I started my business that my designs could speak for themselves.
But I allowed my insecurity to take over.
My constant need to hide, self-sabotage, and just generally not allow myself to succeed out of fear was the primary runner of my business.
Designing and putting together collections based solely on what I thought people wanted to see from me, being too afraid to lean into the roots I was scared to share because I would be vulnerable. Too afraid people would think me a fake. Too afraid to have people think I was using my past as a way of making people feel sorry for me and using that as a catalyst for success.
I have never been one who wants people to see my perceived failures, I don't like to ask for help, and I definitely do not like to show weakness. And so I continued to bury my reason why deeper and deeper.
And then 2020 happened.
We all know how hard 2020 ended up being, but in the beginning, I thought it was going to be my best year ever (as cheesy as that sounds when I write it out).
I was on an amazing growth pattern, finally feeling maybe an ounce of that thing called success. We were expecting our 3rd and final baby to round out our family, and everything seemed to be going how I had wanted for so long.
Then the pandemic showed up, and like so many people my world flipped. My littlest was born at the height of it all, my business was at a standstill, postpartum depression hit me even harder than with my other two, I felt like my business was failing and that I was as well.
It probably took longer than It should have to get sick of my own bullshit, but I was. I was sick of constantly self-sabotaging, I was sick of feeling like I wasn’t connected to my business, sick of freezing and never being able to tell people why I design and create.
Finally, a breakthrough.
I genuinely feel that working on yourself is one of the hardest things you can do. It’s hard admitting to yourself that your past trauma influenced your current self, and it’s even harder coming to terms with the fact that your passion came out of it as well.
It took a lot of prying and tough love from my (really amazing) friend and business coach to get me to open up to a place where I could finally come to terms with and put into words what brought me into the bridal industry, but the level of clarity that comes with it is hard to put into words. I finally feel truly connected and comfortable with telling my story, to show my roots. I finally feel like the disconnect that has always been there between me and my designs is put together. I no longer design and create to try and be what I think people want, I design and create because I feel connected to my story.
Last but not least, my story.
I've sewn since I was a little girl, my grandma teaching me during the summers I would spend with her. It was something that she and I did together that made me feel so loved and close to her. Carefully cutting patterns and putting together pieces by hand, learning and creating with her always made me feel like I was a part of something special.
When I was older I found myself in a very unhealthy relationship where I felt completely lost. I would lose myself in books that had happy, romantic storylines and started creating what I thought these women, who I envied so much for the love they had, would wear when they married their true love. I started designing for brides as a way of escape, and to allow myself to imagine what it would be like to feel loved.
Thankfully, I realized that I deserved better and that I had the strength to leave, which opened my life to finding my own soulmate and I am now happily married with an amazing family.
I ditched the fantasy and need to escape, but never stopped loving designing wedding dresses. Now I design wedding dresses to make every woman feel like the heroine of her own love story - confident, beautiful, and adored - everything a bride should feel on her special day.
My story may not be my favorite thing to share and talk about, but it’s my why. It’s what brought me into an industry that I love, it’s what pushes me to create. It allows me to show my kids what a strong person looks like, and I’m glad that I finally feel okay with sharing it. It's rooted in a notion that everyone deserves love and to feel loved, and that even with the darkness, light is possible.
Oh, look, an ending, but also a beginning.
So what does this all mean for Hyacinth? It means a new level of passion, a new connection to my creations, and a new perspective.
Looking back on the last 3 years, I feel like my designs have always shown my love for romanticism, but they were disconnected from my message. I’m no longer telling a story that I feel others what to see or hear, I’m telling my story, and sharing my love and passion with you along the way, and I could not be more grateful.
So here's to the journey, learning to be yourself, leaning into your passion & your why, and no longer being afraid.